All in My Feelings
I read a wonderful book about vulnerability last year and every word the author wrote rang as true deep in my spirit. I also have written blogs about the subject and encouraged others to be “open.” Imagine my surprise this week, when I found myself mad to the point of tears, all because I felt vulnerable. I had to dissect the real reason I was “all in my feelings” over a MAN! Deep reflection and an honest assessment led me to my “truth.” I haven’t been vulnerable with a man since October 2015. Yes, I’ve dated and had an enjoyable relationship [until it wasn’t enjoyable anymore], but I was never vulnerable. I controlled what I shared. I controlled how “open” I would be and when I would be. I was “soft” but always “strong.” I was basically an Ice Princess.
Well, honey, this week, I found myself sending long ass text messages with heart felt words I had never intended to share. Words like, “I miss you, want to see you, just be with you, you make me happy, blah, blah, blah.” When I was finished and realized I couldn’t recall any of those text messages. I was like, “Oh My G@!#@!$%$#@@!!!!!!!!, What in the H#@! Have I done?” Dis Negro dun [yes, I meant to write it that way] melted all the d$#! Ice around my heart without me realizing it.
Then I calmed down for a moment because I realized at least I didn’t say the “L Word.”
There was nothing left for me to do but push him away and “RUN!” My Ego was like, “You’ve exposed your crazy now. He knows your weak and how you feel about him, and now he’s got you!” I had a history of running and instinctively all my ole self-sabotaging escape routines flashed before my eyes. I will “leave town for the weekend” and hang out with friends as a distraction until I didn’t feel vulnerable anymore.
While plotting my escape [because I had actually shared my feelings and showed some emotions with someone I’ve been seeing for more than 3 months], I insisted that I needed to take a step back and cut myself off from him until I could get my emotions back in check. I told him I couldn’t communicate with him each day. I thought to myself, communicating with him every day is keeping me “open” and in order to put a stop to that s$#@ right now, I had to stop that, and regain my composure aka control. So, I told him to stop texting me. Thank God he didn’t listen.
At one point, I even apologized for telling him how I felt. Now, I’m like, WOW, really chick, you apologizing for having feelings?
Why am I sharing this story with you? Because after SPIRIT shut down my plot to run from my feelings [weekend trip canceled], I realized I am not the only woman who must “unlearn” what we have been taught. Many of us, have been taught that there is something wrong with being emotional and showing or sharing our feelings. I don’t know when I internalized that belief and started guarding against being labeled as an emotional female.
I do know when those hidden beliefs first began to surface. In November 2015, I took pride in the way I'd retained my emotional composure as my heart broke into a million pieces. Before the end of the year, I experienced my first Fibromyalgia flare. Intense pain all over my entire body [in unusual places like my elbows and the bottom of my feet]. I was unable to get out of the bed for a week, but I didn’t cry. I thought being able to keep my pain in and refrain from crying was a symbol of how good I had become at controlling my emotions.
Months later as I began to learn more about Fibromyalgia, I began to wonder, had the intense emotions I held in found a way to express themselves through the unexplained physical pain I began experiencing? For me, the answer was YES! With this revelation, did I become an emotionally expressive woman free to cry at the drop of a hat? No! It took an old song sung by Andre Crouch to catch me off guard on a normal day in December which led to me wailing in my living room as if I was standing at the wailing wall in Israel.
I hope you will stay with me for this journey as I continue to dissect my once unconscious beliefs, RECREATE new conscious beliefs, and TRANSFORM my life one thought at a time. I promise to share my revelations with all the STRONG WOMEN everywhere on "TransformNLife with Dr. Di" [YouTube Channel].
As for the MAN, who caused me to unravel? I text him and told him I wasn’t going to run and apologized for trying to push him away.
I am going to stand firm in my vulnerability with the understanding that it takes courage to be “open” and being vulnerable is not weakness.